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Jean-Claude Van Damme could fold Chuck Norris in half and eat him for lunch.
By Urban Anomie
Troubled action star, Jean-Claude Van Damme, ground the Internet to a halt last week, when Volvo unveiled their latest commercial featuring the Muscles from Brussels doing the splits across two moving trucks to the new age sounds of Enya.
As of Monday evening, there have been over 50,900,000 views for the commercial, but top secret analytic data obtained exclusively by Urban Anomie and Kavos-Reed reveals that it may have actually been the same 38 people gawking over the video for a week straight.
Neither Jean Claude Van Damme, Volvo, or YouTube, were available for comment, but a used car salesman who specializes in Volvos was surprised to learn of the news.
“Please turn off that camera,” said Carl Leibowitz of AAA+ Auto Specialists, clearly too modest for our cameras. “And who is Jean-Claude Van Damme?”
80s action movie fan, Jimmy “Typhoon” Rockwell is Calgary’s self-proclaimed Van Damme expert, and was gracious enough to take a break from his rigorous martial arts training and invite us into his JCVD shrine in his mother’s basement, which Rockwell has named, Shojo Shiro, which translated from ancient Japanese literally means The Virgin Castle.
“Please don’t touch anything,” Rockwell warned us as we slipped our shoes off (a sign of respect to the Japanese elder gods.) “[Burger King] keeps fucking up my paycheque and I can’t afford to fix my vacuum” (oh . . . forget about the elder gods.)
Rockwell took one look at the analytic data we showed him, and thoughtfully rubbed his chin.
“How did you come of this data?” he asked us.
Ignoring his question, we pressed him on how many times he watched the Volvo commercial.
“Um, a few . . . two or three times, maybe,” he replied, before being interrupted by the ringing of his cellphone, which just-so-happened to be Enya’s Only Time.
We’re on to you, Jean-Claude Van Damme.
The commercial:
